Battle Scars

(PostSecret card I read on Frank's blog and I also share this secret.)

“I survived because I was tougher than anybody else” -Bette Davis

I am a survivor... Have been since the day i was born. everything has been a uphill battle but i came out fighting. The first of many was the story of my rather large scar... Those of you who know me have probably caught a glimpse of it, some have asked how i got it others just looked at it confused.

Growing up i always had this scar across my stomach. I always had it and i just thought it was normal and thought nothing of it really. None of my family acted weird about it, so i kinda thought everyone had one up until i was about 7. My Dad used to call it my smiley face because when i got it it brought a smile to him. Never knew what that meant and I never really asked about my scar. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Well then Jr. High hit...


You know the age where you start to change for gym class... yeah not so cool for me. I remember the first day i went to change my shirt and the locker room fell quiet. I noticed this and all eyes were on me. Talk about self confidence hit the floor. "What" i asked thinking i had something on my face. But everyone was looking at my stomach till a loud girl who was in my circle of friends at the time said Rather loudly. "what is with your stomach?" Yeah i looked down and shrugged "Oh. that's nothing." i said as i quickly got dressed bu some people don't know when to stop. she kept asking and asking and well it was none of her business and really I didn't know the answer. So to cover it up I made up a story. Everyone knew I moved from the Cleveland area so I made up some story i was in a knife fight. they ate it up and believed every word. Dude I was 10 WTF? People are rather dumb sometimes lol.

Well i was rather upset about it and came home basically crying. I explained to my mom what happened and she sighed. She hugged me in that motherly way that made everything feel so much better. She then explained to me about my smiley face. She explained I had this condition when I was 6 months old. It was called a diaphragmic hernia. I was common in toddler boys but rare in girls of my age. Long story short I had a low survival rate but some how I made it through with only that scar. I learned later in life my mother blamed herself for my condition since she had such a hard time getting pregnant... It wasn't her fault it was just a freak thing that just happened to us. My dad came home from work later and my mother told him about what happened. Her sat beside and explained to never be ashamed of that scar. Because without it, i wouldn't be her right now. I never really got how serious my surgery was till i was older and actually googled it. When i try to explain it to friends or other people who see the scar I basically explain my insides were not where they were supposed to be...

As you can see i was a mess. The hernia also caused my lung to collapse where I have another tiny scar. It also gave me asthma later Ron in life but i out grew it a bit.but when I get a chest cold it's horrible. But anyways back to the locker room. So every year in gym I'd always have one person ask, or at a slumber party. I simply started to make up stories, I had fun with my scar. One year was the year the movie twister came out. so i said i was simply in a tornado and a hub cap came and sliced my stomach. another was i got hit by a car and that's where the grill hit me. there was i was c-sectioned and they cut to far. But the best was with me and my sister had a girl at work believing this story. I was a Siamese twin and my twin "Landon" was under developed. they cut his leg from me his toe was between my liver and gallbladder. We had this girl going for about 15 minutes and she finally said "no your lieing." my sister then said "show her your scar Aub." which I did and I think the girl almost had a heart attack.

So i learned to have fun with my scar, I'm still self conscious about it. The stares I get when I go swimming or change... I tend to freak people out about it like my guy friends who once were jocking about how they wanted a really cool scar across their stomach. I replied with "Like this" and their jaws hit the floor and they would point saying... "yeah just like that." Every time I feel bad about it i try and think about what my dad said all those years ago. without it i wouldn't be here. So god wanted me here. He let my parents conceive me and then faced with this life threatening condition I still survived. god had a plan and he was making us stronger and closer as a family. He was making me stronger as a person. Showing you don't need to be perfect to be happy. you can have a funky stomach scar and have fun with it, you can embrace it and wear it proud cause it's my Battle Scar. No one else can take that away from me... It's my reminder I am here for a reason. I might not kno what it is yet but God had a plan for me.

                                 

This is my Scar that saved my life and reminds me I have a purpose in life... It's pretty cool looking and makes me look all hardcore!

(YAY 5 followers! Tell your friends, post comments!)

Grimm Memories cnt...

Psalm 23


The LORD is my shepherd,

I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

forever.

This was one bible verse I have heard more times then I would like to. i was growing tired of it, and slowly was finding it a crock of crap... where was Gods goodness when he was taking away every person i had ever loved or cared for. I wasn't feeling his love and yeah I was getting tired of their in a better place crap. The better place was here with me... At 6 it was hard to understand that and it only got worse as the years went on... i remember 6 months after my grandmother died my Great aunt gave me a card. It was from my grand Mother and it was for my 1st Communion, she had bought it 6 months in advance and Auntie gave it to me. Even at 6 years old i have never cried so hard in my life. I also started to realize everything she would be missing, and as the other passed I started to see how everyone was missing alot of my life...

A few years later after Grandma, Jimmy, a cousin of my grandparents, died. It was unexpected and it hit me hard and fast. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck then backed over a few times. Jimmy was gone... See, I was very close with him and had spent countless hours at his side. I'd followed him around like a lost puppy dog. He would get so sick of me that he would place me in front of the television and watch 'Charlie's Brown's Christmas' no matter what time of year it was. I also remember him placing me in front of 'The Sound of Music' a lot.


When he died, or should I say 'passed away', I sat in the house hoping to see him there. To hear the creak of the computer chair in his den. It never creaked again, it stayed silent. Six months after Jimmy died his sister's husband Joe went too. I didn't know him much but he was a good man. He did a lot for the Polish community of Cleveland. It just hurt knowing another one was gone. After this I turned into a somewhat angry girl.

Death hovered over us still, and was taking up permanent residence with my family. A few months after Joe it was the turn of my beloved great aunt "Auntie". That made me fall to pieces and I don't think I ever got some of those pieces back. She was so full of life and happy and loved her Cleveland Indians. I think that is were I got my personality from, and my green thumb. She even made a joke right up to the end, to make me smile through the tears. When she passed away I thought I felt her spirit pass me in a cold breeze as I sat in the waiting room watching 'I Love Lucy.' I never loved Lucy after that night. My parents broke down too, even though they tried to hold it back. Auntie was gone... forever. The house was sold, and my sanctuary was gone. All the memories, all the smells, gone in a blink of an eye.

My 8th grade year I lost Jimmy's sister Dolores. I think that one caused my sister to fall to pieces. My sister wasn't the same after that. Dolores got cancer, and turned very frail. She got better for a little bit then turned to the worse. She lost her hair, her weight, and her smile. He and my sister was very close and I watch her grow angry as well. Dolores picked my Confermation name. It was a Polish Saint and she picked her for me. she was to ill to coem to see me get Confermed but i chose it as her last wish and in honor to her. 4 months later she was gone... and Faustina St. of Devine Mercy didn't answer my prayers...

I remember at the cemetery looking at the plot then looking across the street and seeing my grandmothers, grandfathers, great aunt, and Jimmy not too far from her. I realized this is where the majority of my family was. It was my freshman year when the last of my family died, Uncle Tex. He was a war vet for WWII and wasn't the same after he came back. And it only got worse as he got older... I guess truly he is finally at peace with himself now. I hated to see him suffer as much as he did.
The funeral came and went, and the four of us - my mom, dad, and sister - sat in the funeral home with him, with Uncle Tex. No-one came but we stayed there anyway. They lowered his casket into the ground and that's when I realized no-one else was left to say good-bye.


I haven't seen Death since, and I truly don't miss him. I wish he could have left sooner, and not taken so many people in my family away with him. I have experienced more loss and death then anybody shoudl ever have to go through. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. I hate to think of all the birthdays missed, holidays an empty plate sat at the table. My graduation and my graduations from college they are missing. My wedding they won't see, and the person i've become they will never see... they will never see my kids or meet that Polish boy my grandmother dreamed of for me and my sis...

There were a few benefits though through it all. I've grown very close to my sister, who was there every step of the way. And my parents and I are extremely close, too.

But there is one place they have stayed all these years - in my heart.

So when you think you got all the time in the world... take another look and make the time you have left count.

Feel lucky for what you have, and don't complain about your family.

Because you will end up missing their little quirks, and that old people smell at grandma's.



(All right all i just wanted to write alittle thank you to my 2 new followers! i'm up to 3 and thats pretty cool! Also for all the support from Denny and all the college kids at bible study. thanks for liking my idea and supporting it. also thanks to Susen Issacs that actually commented on one of my posts and is giving me the thumbs up and support! :D -Aubrey)

Grimm Memories

I have sat looking at this text box for almost 2 months debating how to start this blog, my story, the journey... So where better to start then the beginning right?

I was the youngest daughter born in early spring to my parents. Even when I was little I caused their grey hairs. See it was just a battle for me and my sister to be even brought into this world. My parents had trouble getting pregnant and had many miscarries, and even had a still born. My oldest sister that I really don't tell people I had. Well back then medication to get pregnant was still not down to a T but they tried it anyway and my big sis came into the world in 1984. My parents tried several more times but no such luck, so they finally gave up and put it in gods hands and stopped the drugs and contraception... In 1988 I came into the world with out medication's help. God wanted me here for a reason which always had me thinking if my oldest sister did live would my parents have tried for a 3rd? Would I still be here now, and it hasn't hit me till recently God put me here for whatever reason he wanted me here. I have a reason for existence and I'm just trying to find it...

Happiness didn't last long for my parents when I came into the picture. Six months later my Dad's Father passed away. I only had one grandpa sicnc my mother's parents died when she was 17. I didn't even get a chance to know him. But the real said thing is with all these memories everyone tells me of him holding me, rocking me to sleep, and playing with I don't remember. The only thing I remember is his funeral. Weird right? But I remember it it's blurry like it was a dream and I thought it was for the longest time. I never old my parents this till recent years which almost brought my father to tears that my only memory was his funeral. as soon as I described the place where I was in the dream, he knew it wasn't a dream. I wish I had a happier memory but I don't and I can't change that. I still cry when I see him in home movies and pictures, mostly cause I never got to know my grandfather or really have one.
despite this i still had the rest of my father's family... I grew up Polish Roman Catholic, not familar? Well it's pretty much like the stereotype of Roman Catholic Italians. So we were very family oriented and loved our ethnic foods! I was Baptized in the church and have God parents who are still in my like today. I prayed every night, when to church 8:15 am every Sunday, did Sunday school. But it wasn't till after my first Communion did death start to takes it tole. Death always seemed to hang around my family, and paid a lot of unwanted visits. See I hated grandparents day at school. for one we lived 2 hours away from them since my Dad got laid off and we had to move. So they couldn't make the trip ad I was always the odd kid out. I always pleaded to skip school that day but mom never let me. It wasn't till my grandmother's dead did i really hate it and grow envious and hated it. Everyone showing their gradnparents the pictures they drew, eating lunch with them, and I just sat in the corner like I was cancer. Then grandma died,I think that's when I started to question God.

See when your a kid you sit in church and listen to God's words and feel so fulfilled. You know god's upstairs and the Devil is below and he was bad. You wanted to be good and hang with the angels. After you experience death for the first time you start to question all of that. I'd just got home from yet another day of second grade, and we'd had art so I was excited to show mom my masterpiece. I jumped off the bus and raced my sister up the driveway and we came home to find mom a little distressed. She told us to pack our things because we were going to see grandma. There was something in her voice though...We arrived at a hospital, and still a bit confused I followed my parents and sister clutching my yellow stuffed pony. They led us to a room where a frail woman laid hooked up to numerous beeping machines and tubes. Who was this? This couldn't be my grandmother. My grandma was upbeat, smiling, and strong. My last memory of my invincible grandmother was of her lying dying in a hospital bed. After the funeral we went to the house to drop off my great aunt. I ran inside hoping grandma was there, and not 6 feet underground. She wasn't - the house was silent and was different somehow. There I was, 6 years old, and that's when it smacked me in the face. I knew what death was.Then I returned to school, and my parents tried to go on like nothing happened. But I was still struggling with this concept 'passed away.' Grandma had died a month before Thanksgiving & Christmas.

Usually for thanksgiving or Christmas you go to your grandmother's house, am I right? Well, my grandmother's house is a cemetery now. My favorite holiday Thanksgiving would never be the same again. The food never tasted the same and her seat at the table stayed empty... and more and more spaces were starting to appear...When you first lose someone you lose them in pieces, not as a whole. First their smell starts to fade, then the sound of their voice goes silent, then their face starts to disappear. I struggled with this for many years, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't control it.




The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the hornof my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2 )

That's Me in the Spotlight, Losing My Religion...

I was standing in the empty hall of my highschool starring into my beige colored locker a mere freshman barely 15. Classes were in session but I was excused to leave early today. I grabbed my bookbag and all the books I needed for the weekend and headed towards the front doors. My sister shortly joined me as we walked towards her car to drive home. The mood was somber and quiet we didn't say much till we reached our house, quickly change dinto dark colored clothes and jumped into my mother's car. An hour and a half drive was in front of us and it was one trip to Cleveland I wasn't looking forward to. 2003 was just the icing on the cake so far of nine years of a downward spiral, and me growing angrier with god and Jesus' mysterious ways. (We will talk about this more later.) I sat in the car watching the landscape pass by the window as I tried to remember a time when I looked forward going up to Cleveland every weekend. That seemed like an eternity ago, and now just a distant memory.

The mood in the car was also quiet and continued as the day went on. It was my Uncle Tex's funeral today. I wasn't close with him but it still impacted me. He was a Veteran and wasn't much the same when he got back home, so he kept his distance. I remember him at Grandma's house sitting a tthe kitchen table reading the newspaper or watching him brush his hair in the bathroom mirror. He was the last of my family, all that was left was me my mom my dad and my sisiter. That was it... Everyone else was gone. I remember sitting in the funeral home and we were the only ones sitting in the wake. A cousin from my Dad's side and his wife came by for an half hour. They didn't remember him at all but the intention was nice. Later that day was the funeral and I remember feeling like the last part of my heart died that day, I felt hallow and hurt.

I looked up from the caket as it was being lowered starring over at my parent's a felt angry, broken. I was barely 15 and had experienced more loss then most people ever will in their lifetime. That was the moment I started to lose faith. I was at my witz end and threw my hands in the air waiting for an answer of to why me, why my family... That was the exact moment I gave up on God...

Introductions are Always Akward...

Okay so this is what you can call an experiment. I was inspiried by Susan E. Issacs, and after reading her book I had to do this. She experienced alot in life much like I have, so I'm writing a blog of how I got reunited with religion, God and Jesus in college. Which brings me to my title. One person asked, "What did you do play Beer Pong with Jesus?" Hence the title, it also shows how I went to one extreme to another and basically had a rollercoaster ride. I hope I gain more followers and I also ask you to share your experiences, feelings or even thoughts!

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD. They are plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jer. 29:11)

So I hope this blog reaches and help people as well as guiding and helping me.

Remember no sparrow falls without the father...

-Aubrey